Part of Me
by White Turns Blue
Summary: Lily and James evaluate their relationship.


Part of Me

By White Turns Blue

James Potter is a paradox.

There are days when he's incredible, perfect. He's open, carefree, and witty. He can make me laugh until my sides ache. He's like a child, with no care in the world. When he's like this, I look at him, and everything is okay; I look at him, and I see everything I wish I was.

However, there are also _those_ days. The days when he taunts, dares me to challenge him, because he knows that if I do, I will inevitably lose. He's moody, and when it's one of _those days_, I always know that I should stay far away. Despite all this, it's these times that he's the most interesting, as if he's finally broken, and he's not the golden boy anymore. He's human, he's vulnerable, and it's these times that I like him the most.

You might think that I'm insane, and to be frank, I might be. Why else would I like the James Potter that's challenging? Why else would I like the James Potter that everyone else wants to stay away from?

The truth is, the James Potter that's witty, childish, and funny doesn't seem whole. It's just one dimension of him, and it's the boring dimension. Everyone knows what to expect from that James Potter. It's his other side that scares everyone because he is unpredictable.

That's why I argue, I push, I challenge James Potter, because I'm the only one that can get him into one of those moods. I'm the only one who can rile him up until he loses it.

It gives me some sort of secret satisfaction, knowing that only I can bring out the real James Potter, and at times, it seems like he hates me for it. Because no matter how cocky and arrogant he is when he's in one of those moods, I always know that I can bring him down a notch. I can be the one who pushes until he cracks. I push because I can make him lose control, and I'm the only one who can.

But I know that James Potter, does not, in fact, hate me. He hates that I bring out the worst in him, but at the same time, he knows that without this side of him, he would be incomplete. I am that part of him. I am the part of James Potter that he wants to bury deep inside of himself; I am the part of James Potter that he wishes didn't exist, I am the part the part of James Potter that he is ashamed of.

But he also knows that this part of him, the part that he despises, is still _him_, so try as he might, he _can't_ let go of that part of him, and he _can't_ hate it.

I know all this because James Potter is the part of me that I wish didn't exist. He makes me so angry that I can't even think straight anymore. I try so hard to hate him for it, but I know that I can't, because hating James Potter is like hating myself.

Lily Evans is a contradiction.

She's perfection. Beautiful, smart, funny. She's the faultless unattainable girl that every guy wants. When she smiles, the world lights up, and everything seems just a little bit brighter. I look at her, and she's everything I've ever wanted myself to be.

Other times, she's everything that I've never wanted to be. She pushes my buttons, just because she can. She makes me lose control over the perfect exterior that I've tried so hard to create, and she _loves it_.

She enjoys the fact that she gets under my skin. She enjoys the fact that she can take everything away. She enjoys the fact that I'm not perfect anymore.

She's possibly the most frustrating person I've ever met in my life. No one else can make me feel the way she does. She switches gears between angel and devil so quickly, I have to look twice. She's a well-oiled machine, and she knows it.

So, I let go. I let her have what she wants. I give her that satisfaction, because I know that for her, taunting me is her way of letting go too. We've worked so hard to become who we are, and those two steps back that we always take when we fight make the journey that much more.

Secretly, I like Lily more when she's this way. She's not so perfect, and she seems so much more human to me. She's harder, crueler, and so much more real. No one is perfect, and this is her way of letting me know that it's okay to show flaws.

Sometimes, I think I hate her. Sometimes, I wish I hated her. But all the time, I always know that she is a part of me the way I am a part of her. I can't hate her because hating her is hating myself, and I'm no masochist.


End file.
